Blonde and Dumb People Jokes

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she says, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”

Who says rednecks aren’t real bright??

“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
“Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday Buddy!”

When a blonde’s house caught on fire, she called the fire department. The fireman on the phone asked, “Can you tell us how to get there?”

She replied “Duh! Big red truck!”

In the year 2000 they’re abolishing all blonde jokes. They found out that all women were dumb.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

I wish there was a knob on my TV to turn up intelligence. There’s one called “brightness” but it doesn’t seem to work.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“Alright. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Two good ol’ boys, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said “lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted for drinkin’ these here beers!!”

“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said, “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”

“What for?” asked Bubba.

“Just let me do the talkin’, O.K.?” said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No, sir,” said Earl, “we’re on the patch.”

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?” The blonde quickly responded, “The living one.”

Q: What is the similarity between hemorrhoids and cowboy hats?

A: Sooner or later, every asshole has one!

Two stupid farmers had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything.

One day, the farmers decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this from happening. While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing, so they explained the problem.

The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit. The farmers thanked their neighbor and he drove off.

Then the one farmer said to the other, “Some stupid neighbor we have, it’s not his feet that’s too long, it’s his ears!”

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!”

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sits the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?”

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: “Can’t you see I’m winning?”

True Story: A woman called the local road commission asking them to remove the deer crossing sign near her home since many deer were being hit and killed there. Her reason? She didn’t want the deer to cross there anymore!

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