Reality is an illusion caused by the absence of beer.
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillips Screwdriver?
Signs that you drink too much:
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Two hands and just one mouth . . . now THATS a drinking problem!
You fall off the floor . . .
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says Hi when you come in.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
The shrubberys drunk too from frequent watering.
College is a fountain of knowledge . . . and the students are there to drink.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case coincidence?? I think not!
Support wildlife, throw a party!
The FDA, in keeping with its wish to protect us from our own stupidity and prevent nature weeding out the stupid, is considering 13 additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when your neighbors six floors up can hear you.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish (if you had trouble reading this the first time, you may want to consider getting your blood-alcohol levels checked).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Nothing cures a case of nerves like a case of beer.
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word eggnog comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word egg, meaning egg. I dont know where the nog comes from. To make eggnog, you will need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs . . .
Before I started working here I drank, smoked, and used foul language for no reason at all. But thanks to this job, I now have a reason.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.