Search & WinMarriage and Dating Jokes


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied, “Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.


“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” complained a man to his wife as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied


There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won’t, and that’s a spouse who can’t cook and will.


The Ultimate Chain Letter . . .

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.


Bachelors know more about women than married men do. If they didn’t, they’d be married, too.


An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.  After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well” said the man, “She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,  “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”


All men are animals. . . . Some just make better pets.


You can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.


Ever wonder why married men are fatter than single men?

It’s because single men look to see what’s in the refrigerator, then go to bed. Married men see what’s in bed, then go to the refrigerator.


Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.


A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”


A Little Reflection on Life as a Male:

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts. When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big tits.


Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first place.


A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery.”

The husband says, “Wow! That’s great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?”

She says, “I don’t care. . . . Just get out.”


Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”


A man posted a personal ad that read, “Wife wanted.”

The next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”


Q: A guy is dating three women and can’t decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying?

A: The one with the biggest boobs.


Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive . . .


If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.


Little Girl in Church: “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

Mommy: “White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life.”

Little Girl: “Then why is the groom wearing black?”


Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?

A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.


Women’s English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Men’s English
I’m hungry. = I’m hungry.
I’m sleepy. = I’m sleepy.
I’m tired. = I’m tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I’m bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let’s have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you’d like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!


Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.


Advice from men to women . . .

1. The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2. Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3. When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during time-outs and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4. When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5. If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6. If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

7. If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet, and if I do it will be your fault.

8. I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

9. Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

10. Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

11. If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

12. I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

13. Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.


Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?

A: A trip without the kids.


A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

“Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or go to jail?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied.

“Well, today I would have been a free man.”


A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:
1. Women
2. Fractions


A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?”

She nods her head yes.

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, “Here. Iron this.”


Q: Your dog’s barking at the back door. Your wife’s barking at the front. Who do you let in?

A: Well, it’s your call . . . but the dog’ll stop barking when you let him in.


A guy told his friend he was planning to take his wife to Paris to celebrate their upcoming 25th wedding anniversary.

His friend said, “Wow! That’s really great. What are you going to do for your 50th?”

The first guy replied, “Go get her.”


Pity men . . .

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it’s self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
If you don’t, you’re a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist.
If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re up on yourself.
If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.


Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”


Q: Did you hear about the new edition of Playboy for married men?

A: It has the same centerfold every month.


How to satisfy a woman every time: Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to satisfy a man every time: Show up naked . . . with beer.


Q: Why do men like women in leather?

A: They smell like new cars.


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.  After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya martinis all night long.  But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”


Definition of bigamy: one husband too many.

Definition of monogamy: same thing.


Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”


When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure that either the car or the wife is new.


A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and brushes off the dirt, when a genie appears and grants him one and only one wish. The guys says, “okay . . . I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can’t go by plane because I get air sick and I can’t go by boat because I get sea sick. So what I wish for, genie, is a bridge from Hawaii to California so I can drive there.”

The genie says “Now wait a minute. What you’re asking for is a major architectural undertaking greater than anything ever attempted by mankind. Think about the depths of the ocean, the currents, the amount of cement, steal, and material needed. No, you must wish for something more reasonable.”

So the guy says, “okay, genie, I understand. I’ve always wanted to understand my wife, what she thinks, how she feels, to really understand a woman. That’s what I wish for . . . Genie I want to understand a woman . . .”

The genie thinks then says . . . “okay then, how many lanes do you want that bridge to be??”


“I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I Do.” is the longest sentence?


Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, who was waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened to her and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in.

This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”


The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing . . . and then marry him.


After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”


Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90% . . . wedding cake.


Dear Tech Support,

I’m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend by Girlysoft and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve also been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 as my primary application, but all the Girlfriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that Drinking Buddies won’t crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I have tried, heaven knows I really have.

My solution was to run them separately, and it worked okay but Girlfriend always seemed to have a problem coexisting with the latest version of Football Team, often trying to abort Football with some sort of timing incompatibility.

Looking back it would have been simpler to stay with Girlfriend version 1.0 but I thought I might see and feel a better performance from Girlfriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He informed that he had similar problems with Girlfriend 2.0 and he put it down to lack of memory on her part. He advised me to go for a younger model.

I did, but I only had the new model - well actually I tell a lie, it was second hand - three months and out of boredom uninstalled version 2.0 and installed Girlfriend 3.0, the beta version.

All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram.

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a laptop version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancée 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge drain on his resources. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins Extras he wanted to try.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 is very temperamental and sometimes will not start. This causes major conflict problems with FreeSexPlus.

Added to the problem is that Wife 1.0 came with a free copy of MotherInLaw which has an annoying automatic pop-up feature which he can’t turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.

Then Mistress1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Recommendations?


If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.


(A True Story from a Yale professor)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Therese Banyan during my freshman year that, “It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.


If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it’s self-defense.


Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?” she asks.

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?”


If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. Otherwise, you’ll never find anybody to take her off your hands.


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it man. You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”


Q: How do men exercise on the beach?

A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.


This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan.

Man: “What was that for?”

Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pant’s pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”

Man: “Oh honey.  Don’t you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?  Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: “What’s that for this time?”

Wife: “Your horse called.”


Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

A: They’re intended for the children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them.


At a big rivalry football game, one man noticed an empty seat in front of him. He commented to the man next to the empty seat how strange it was to see an empty seat at such a big game.

The man explained “It’s my wife’s seat. She died.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Why didn’t you bring a friend instead?”

“They’re all at the funeral.”


Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?


A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”


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