Miscellaneous Jokes

I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

Q: What’s the difference between a horse’s tail and a man’s tie?

A: The horse’s tail covers up the entire asshole.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.

Q. Why is PMS named PMS?

A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

I earn a seven-figure salary. . . . Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But remember: It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole up side the head.

You should never compare yourself to others. . . . They are more screwed up than you think

Save the whales. . . . Collect the whole set.

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a ________.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?”

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.”

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

Is there a caboose to your train of thought?

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Bumper Sticker: Caution: I drive like you do.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

In case of fire, do not use elevator . . . use water.

Wise advice from a kid: When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” . . . don’t answer him.

On a billboard advertising a local football team: “Male bashing (better than any woman ever could).”

I don’t doubt for a minute that you can catch more flies with sugar or honey than you can with vinegar . . . but who in the hell wants a lot of flies anyway?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Q: What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind as it hits the windshield?

A: His ass!

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin’ head.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

Bumper stickers:

I tried to see your point of view, but I couldn’t get my head that far up my ass!

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say “fuck”?

A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Learn from your parent’s mistakes . . . use birth control!

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

“Don’t be angry,” the Mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.”

A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, “Now she knows.”

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?” So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Key Ring: A handy device that makes it possible to lose all your keys at the same time.

An Indian chief assembled the young men of his tribe and asked, “Who threw the outhouse over the cliff?”

Nobody spoke up.

Again the chief asked.

Again there was silence.

The chief went on saying, “Many moons ago, George Washington cut down cherry tree. He confess. He get no whipping. So tell me - who push outhouse over cliff?”

Running Wind, a boy of ten and the chief’s son, raised his hand. “I push outhouse over cliff.”

The chief smacked the kid hard on his rear end.

Running Wind said, “George Washington no get hit by father.”

The chief said, “George Washington’s father not in cherry tree when he chopped it down.”

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Here’s proof that things could be worse. This is a bricklayer’s accident report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs. of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A guy says to his friend, “I think that girl had a boob job.”

His friend replied, “No. She had a breast augmentation. Flipping burgers is a boob job.”

Is your computer male or female? You decide!

The top five reasons computers must be female:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, “bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The top five reasons computers must be male:
5. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
4. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
2. In order to get their attention, they have to be turned on.
1. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Definition of grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!”

A man’s best friend is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

True Story . . .

There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called “metal Ornamental Towers” (supposedly prettier than wood towers).

Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower South of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.

Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn’t need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man “whizzed” near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his “stream” (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.

The guys at the Power Company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.

I DID read the manual. That’s why I’m confused!

Always take time to stop and smell the roses . . . and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him,” replied the lady.

I’m going insane, and I’m taking you with me.

This life is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. You may or may not be issued an actual life later.

I’ve upped my standards. Now up yours.

A burglar is breaking into a home and as he comes into the living room he hears, “God is watching you.”

Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and asks, “What is your name?”

The bird replies, “Moses.”

The burglar laughs and says, “What kind of idiot names their parrot Moses?!”

The bird replies, “The same idiot who named his Rottweiler God.”

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Q: What do you get when you play a country music song backwards?

A: You get your house back, you get your truck back, you get your job back, you get your wife back . . .

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone, maybe even your boss, says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt!” Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Crappe the owner of Kneedeep Schitt, Inc. She had a lot of trouble changing her name to Oh Schitt.

Their son Jack Schitt married Noe and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, and Bull Schitt, who has spread all over the country.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip married Loada and they produced a scrawny son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughput childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Daawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to see the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don’t know Jack Schitt, you can correct them. Maybe ask questions. Maybe they don’t know Jack Schitt!

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

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