Political
and Lawyer JokesPolitical
and Lawyer Jokes
Diapers and politicians should be changed regularly; for the same reason.
Politics – from the words “Poly,” meaning “many,” and “Ticks,” as in “small, bloodsucking parasites.”
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.”
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me, Officer, what’s the hold up?”
The Officer replies, “The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking round taking up a collection for him.”
“Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”
“So far only about three hundred gallons but I’ve got a lot of folks still siphoning.”
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Democrat puppies, Mr. President.”
Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Republican puppies.”
The president looks puzzled and says, “Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.”
The man smiles and says, “Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!”
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and name is Matt.” After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.”
Chelsea was heart-broken. After eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.”
Hillary just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”
Bureaucracy is a challenge to be conquered with a righteous attitude, a tolerance for stupidity, and a bulldozer when necessary.
Q: Why don’t snakes bite attorneys?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
A: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
Q: If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom . . . what are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A: EUROPEAN . . . of course!